Some Passing Thoughts on Being a Good Dom

by Master James (Master James can be found on Fetlife HERE)

Used with Permission all rights reserved

A lot of people seem to want authority; they crave the power, the position of control, to be able to exert their will…. But most don’t know how to handle it. Like most people when given unbridled power, they become cruel, harsh, unkind, cold, and distant.

But this isn’t what a Dominant should be. A Dom should be a father, an older brother, a guide, a protector, a teacher. A Dom should ALWAYS have the best interest of the Submissive at heart.

Being a Dom isn’t about canning, whipping, flogging, or ordering people around. They are the requirements of a Sadist and an egomaniac.

Sadism and Masochism are regularly confused with Dominance and Submission. Let me make this clear; they are separate predispositions that may or may not coincide with Dominant and Submissive orientation.

Being a Dominant is about taking responsibility. About stepping up to the plate and saying; “My shoulders are big enough to bear the weight, to accept the responsibility that comes with taking control”

A Dominant is a leader, a doer not a talker; someone who is willing and ready to provide another person with what they need.

A Dominant needs to know and accept that many Submissives will appear in a manner that the Dom might perceive to be needy. If the Dom isn’t happy to accept the emotional needs of the Submissive, then the Dom isn’t ready to take ownership of a Submissive.

A selfish person can never be a true Dom. They are a child in an adult’s body. A cruel Dom is nothing more than a kid with a magnifying glass burning ants and playing God.

Does this mean that Sadists are bad? No it doesn’t. A sadist is the perfect counterbalance to a masochist. Since many Subs are also masochists, then a sadist Dom will fit perfectly. But when the sadistic Dom inflicts pain upon the masochistic Sub, the primary motivation should be giving the Sub what he/she needs; the pleasure that the Dom gets out of the act must remain secondary.

This rule holds true for all fun D/S activities, whether it be; humiliation, degradation, or sexual acts/intercourse.
The reason that a Dom will control the orgasms of a Sub is because the Sub yearns to be controlled. Not because the Dom selfishly doesn’t want to see the Sub pleasured. The Submissive needs to feel that a reward has been earned.

Submissives will rebel, fight back, be disobedient, bratty, insubordinate, and just like a child they will generally test the limits of the Dominant. This is where the good Dominant shines, he/she won’t feel threatened, and they won’t loose control, or become emotional. This is an opportunity where a Dominant can display why they are in charge, and why the Submissive can trust them with control of their lives.

Correction, discipline, and punishment should be structured, fair, controlled, un-emotive, and relevant. It will reinforce the rules, the need for the rules, and the positions of Dom and Sub. It will give the Submissive what all Subs crave; a feeling of safety within the confines a caring D/S relationship with clear boundaries and rules. Afterwards the Sub should feel a positive sense of purpose and direction, knowing that the Dominant is striving to achieve the absolute best for the Sub.

The D/S relationship needs to maintain balance. For every slap of the hand, swing of the flogger, or stroke of the cane, it needs to be equally counter balanced with a kiss, a hug, a stoke of the hair, and a whisper of a kind word.

A good Dom genuinely wants to see the submissive, grow, and improve as both a person and as a Sub. As such the Dom won’t just use the power granted him/her by the D/S relationship for sexual gains or amusement; they will endeavour to institute rules and instructions that will break bad habits, provide the Sub direction, focus and drive, and generally enrich the life of the Sub.

Not a guide on the one true way: Just some thoughts…….

46 Responses to Some Passing Thoughts on Being a Good Dom

  1. shana says:

    Thank you for so beautifully and eloquently capturing the Dominant submissive relationship. As a submissive and little new to the lifestyle, it has been challenging to find a Dominant that truly understands their calling and my own.

  2. tom says:

    Thanks for your views. I’m a Dom in training and any and all perspectives are what I need to ensure my sub is fulfilled

  3. head says:

    I need more insight? I am a learning Dom and would like to talk with another about a few things I need to know.

  4. Ashley says:

    33 out of 100 people in a BDSM survey said their safe words are ignored and are violated. That’s 1 out of every 3. This lovey dove you Dom concept is nice in writing on website, rarely practiced.

    Shaming and isolation tactics make sure most subs rarely complain even when abused.

    What you should say, is if the Dom can’t stomach the behaviour or won’t tolerate it to themselves then you bloody well question your sub

    • her Dark Prince says:

      You can also ask yourself, are 1 out of 3 “d/s” relationships REALLY D/s relationships. Or are those “doms” not simply abusive people posing as a Dom(me)?

      Don’t forget, anyone can call themselves submisive, anyone can call themselves dom(me) and exactly THERE is the problem. So before you judge anything… ask yourself, is it even real? If a safeword is constantly ignored. You can ask yourself is this person a real dom? Or is this relationship a real D/s relationship?

  5. Kent Grant says:

    I’m a complete newby to the Dom and Sub scene. It’s wonderful to see a great deal of information out on what a good dom is and isn’t. To be honest, I had the impression of a dominant as being the scary and overbearing types a good dom isn’t. When my partner who has more experience than myself implied I have a dom disposition. I wondered what that meant. Upon reading as much as I can absorb about what a good dom is, honestly I am relieved.

    Comparing how my life compares to that of a good dom, I now have a better idea of why my partner made that reference. Since having a revelation in my early twenties, I made numerous efforts in my life to identify not only my character flaws but attributes. Upon humbling myself, I have been fortunate to mend broken relationships and create valuable new ones. Letting go of the fake and unnatural ego of being what I’m not was empowering. To know I didn’t have to know everything to be a sucess in this world. Thinking the only way to get where I wanted was to topple over others and be a one man show. In a number of ways I was like a hurricane destroying the few good things I had. Though I still have demons that rear their ugly heads at various times, I owe a great deal to others with good lives sharing their experiences with me. I wouldn’t be the fortunate man I am today. Thanks to people like you, I’m learning there are a great deal of similar traits between a good leader and a good dominant.
    As a new person to your unique and interesting world, I have no idea where things will lead. It’s nice to know there are resources and a number of good people to advise me on my journey. Again, thanks for your efforts to help others.

    My highest regards,
    The Blue Marine ( Kent Grant )

    • Joshua stockton says:

      It’s is a great thing that so many newcomers to the lifestyle are getting a good perspective with this article. I myself have at one point or another have been every type of Dominate/Master in my 22 years of practicing .
      The constant is that no Dom or Master is ever fully trained –
      Each relationship is different and are the expectations of each partner,
      Monogamous or open relations.
      Both roles are very sacred and truly vary rare in finding . My advice to those new is to search your heart for what you want ! Yes, A true Dom has a heart!
      You must in order to help and guide your potential submissive / Slave .
      This goes for both gender roles no matter whom is the Dom or sub. Also please note that no matter what type of Dom you are , or what type of relationship you have…. These Roles are very powerful and dependant and take its toll emotionally as well as physically on both sides. Though your submissive sometimes wants a open relationship or vice versa , do not end anything with your sub in a sudden manner .
      I have never done that myself and my past relationships with mine where 2-4 years each. I councel submissive’s that have been tossed aside and treated poorly when I find them . I emplore you to do your own relationship aftercare if you so wish to end a contract with your submissive’s .
      I hope someone out here takes this to heart , if it gets through to just one Dom or training Dom , then I will be pleased !
      Though its roleplay and maybe just control in the bedroom aspects a submissive
      Relies’s and is giving all to you! Even though they may not know it at the time usually they give a little or a lot of their (heart) also.
      So try to be careful with your submissive’s emotional health because it is
      In your responsibility .
      Lastly my advice is that you have a submissive in your first attempt-
      That wants to have a monogamous relationship so she doesn’t get confused .

      Remember that you never stop learning , but if you find you do stop learning –
      I hope you stop practicing . Because you won’t be a honest teacher any longer with a empty vessel who is looking for you to fill her/him!

      • Alvin says:

        Hi Joshua,

        Would you share your skill as dom with a noob like me? I really want to be become a good Dom and need some advise… Let me know thanks.

        • admin says:

          Alvin,

          Check out the BDSM reading list under ‘Resources‘. I would also recommend contacting your local community and attend any classes they may have.

    • clint says:

      Sounds like 12 step program

    • clinton fox says:

      Hi ken good shout that resonates with myself! Sounds like a spiritual awakening 12 and a good step 4

  6. Darren Cheek says:

    I also appreciate your words and also crave some teaching on the Dom lifestyle.

  7. Jim says:

    I completely agree with your thoughts. They are true words. I am not highly experienced, but I am always studying and learning as a Dom. I have a sub who has probably taught me more about being a Dom than anyone else. She found me on a website and asked me to be her Dom. I was actually looking for a Mistress/Domme to serve, but ended up playing the Dom role…I am a Switch.
    She is a little on the Masochist side and I had never treated a woman the way she asked me to, but each time we met the power exchange was incredible. She has been very open in letting me know what she wants, she let me know what her “safeword” was, and I have not found her limits yet. Being a Dom is intoxicating and the feeling of power grows, but there is still love and caring. Each session of whipping, flogging and rough sex ends with tender kisses. I do think it is important to occasionally let your Sub know that you appreciate their submission. For a Sub to give you that much trust is a great gift that should not be ignored. She fully submits to me and I think that is a huge part of the feelings that keep me “addicted” to Dominating her. I’ll leave it at that for now, I could probably go on and on, but hopefully I’ll have the chance to submit more of my thoughts later……..Thank you for posting such great thoughts.

  8. James Walker says:

    I too, as a Dom in training would like to speak to an experienced one to know any tips that they have to offer.

    Reply to this message if you want to help.

  9. James Walker says:

    I would like to talk to a experienced Dom to help me out with learning more on this.

  10. n says:

    Hi
    I met a guy who claims to be a Dom. He wanted me as a sub to add to his house. He has at least 3 other subs. He has sex with all of them, and won’t allow them to talk to other doms. I am new to all this, and want to leArn about it, but he gets angry if I ask too many questions or talk with others. He also insists that I have sex with him and his other subs, and this is all part of the lifestyle and his house.
    Is this what being a Dom/sub is about or is he just using women?

    • Mr Andrew says:

      A true Dom informs and takes care of a sub on a personal level. Getting angry about ‘too many questions asked’ is not the type of person you want to be with. Also, the part where it is stated that there is an information stop (no contact with other Doms) makes me think the person is not a true Dom. Knowledge, respect and love are very important in the D/s relationship. I do not hear all of these key words.

    • her Dark Prince says:

      I’ll state before anything, this is only my personal opinion.

      But firstly, I don’t believe in this “this is my house” thing. I put very little stock in one Dom having more than one submisive/slave. Then again, I am not one for poly relationships in general. If you feel comfortable sharing your dom or partner in general, by all means be my guest.

      But when it is one man leading a lot of women. It calls to me on very different associations than a D/s relationships. Think more along the lines of, cults for instance. One leader having sex with all the women in the cult (or house, so you wish), and isolating them from anyone else. It’s either that, or a harem.

      As for as not being alowed to speak to other Doms, that’s weird to me. I have heard of it before though, but mostly subs needing permission to speak to other doms. I don’t mind my sub to speak to other people, dom or otherwise. So long as one thing is very clear. She is MY submisive, and she obeys Me. And I do expect respectful behaviour from both. Both I want my submissive to be respectful to other people. And I expect fellow doms to speak to my submisive respectfully, not like some would, act like they own her.

      As for it all being “part of the lifestyle”. Biggest bullshit ever. Most D/s relationships are one on one. And not one on many. I mean, yes I carry the responsibility of both me and my submisive. I can handle that perfectly. But tell me… how the heck can one person carry that same responsibility of many? They can’t, anyone who claims they can, is a lier.

      And anyone who feels threatend (gets angry) about people asking questions, is a very insecure person. And that’s the last thing you want your Dom to be…

  11. Eros says:

    Thank you for such an insightful article.As a novice, I struggle the difference between correcting bad behavior and the perception of chastisement. If anyone has an input I would appreciate it.

  12. As a sub I recognise the need to feel safe and be a treasured possession many does sadly forget this caught up with work or just using and leave you in the cupboard to next time sub drop after care a quick phone call a hug a sub needs a lot of care after a session a dom should not take on a sub unless he has time and commitment and making up things like unless you remove your legs or clit are childish and harmful the someone uses this to end the relationship grow up and face you very serious commitment does.

  13. mel says:

    Being a.female dom I get all kinds . But I think master James is right .

  14. Nina Manley says:

    I really really appreciate this blog Master James. I’ve shared with my husband so we have and understanding and clarification with each other beginning this new journey. We’ve done a lot of research and reading and this by far is the very correct and in my opinion the best. It’s actually beautifully well put. I told My Master (Husband) that I’m saving this in my memory files. Again Thank you for that more than just thoughts to me hope and wish you get the credit you deserve. I never take time out to comment until I came upon your blog. And I’m sure this will help lots of people have happiness in their journeys. Sending Blessings **

  15. clint says:

    Sounds like a 12 step program

  16. I am new to all this Dom/sub thing, I have been asked by a sub over the internet if I would be her master as I don’t know anything about being a master I would welcome any advice ythat anyone could give me on how to be a good master.
    Thank You in advance for any help I receive.

    • admin says:

      The ‘Master’s Manual’ by Jack Rinella may be a good resource for you. You might also check out the books by Mike Makai. Mike has some of the most down-to-earth advice about D/s than just about anything I have read.

  17. Rei says:

    Thank you for the insight on this lifestyle. My partner and I are very new to this and being her Dom, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I know the big thing for being in this type of relationship is communication… I guess that could be said about any relationship. We talk about everything, making sure what she’s comfortable with. I respect her but also push her limits. I guess I just didn’t want to go about this the wrong way.

  18. Deletesystem32 says:

    I am a new dom this is my first relationship with a sub I enjoy it very much but I’m not good at it yet as my sub honestly told me that it takes practice I am here looking for tips to improve my ability to make both my sub and my lives flourish in our roles. Side note I am a very connected person with the one I love and am having hard time finding true boundaries.

  19. Rob says:

    Hello
    I need some advice I am 51 yrs old I love the D/s play My girlfriend is 45 yrs old She is what i call socially submissive She remains in the lady role during sex as well I have dabbled in D/s with her Even though she is submissive hshe is also timid How do i bring more of her tendencies
    Thank you Rob

    • admin says:

      Rob,

      I do not feel that there is a universal formula that can be applied to help tap into submissive tendencies. Certainly communicating, negotiating and exploring desires as a couple will help. Talking about fantasies and core needs can help guide you both on what you are wanting out of the relationship. Good luck!

  20. Johnathen Mitchell says:

    Master james, you have a spectacular way with words. I can’t tell you how much this article has helped me with understanding more about the D/S life. I am a switch myself but wanted to learn more about being a proper dom and I had the thought of what a dom should be like and I had about the same idea but you gave me a new perspective on how to look at it And what would be a good way to go about it. I have 2 potential subs that want me to become there dom and one lives further away then the one that’s near me. But i wanted to make sure that they both trust me and believe that I will always be there for both of them as well as them knowing each other. I don’t have much knowledge on the how to be a good one but you have help me alot. Thank you! And I am more then willing to know more. I love to grow in knowledge 🙂

  21. Mr Bill says:

    Thank you very much for the useful information. I love my Sub deeply and am glad to know I am not far off base in our D/s relationship.

  22. Ifly says:

    It seems as though there are many of us who are new DOMs and we are in training so to speak! I am very new and I am currently grooming a sub. I mean we are talking and our interest is mutual. I want to be a great Dom and she is considering her role as my sub! Inhale read a lot and I want to learn and become a Dom that my potential Sub will begin to trust and respect as we grow together! Someone please help as I don’t want to blow this great opportunity!

  23. Jessi says:

    Hi there I’m very new in this field and I am looking at becoming a good domme for my husband.. and he really wants me too . I don’t know where to start

  24. Vorshack says:

    ” the pleasure that the Dom gets out of the act must remain secondary”

    Sounds like you’re blurring the line between a Dominant and a Service Top. I have a wonderful relationship with my pet, care for her very much and put her needs on par with my own but not above them.

  25. Kennedy says:

    Hello. I am extremely new to the S/M & BDSM lifestyle (my partner and I are 17). Every time after we play, she drops really hard. I try to comfort her and be there for her, but she always cries and feels very sad. I’ve done some research and I try to do everything I’m supposed to, but it seems like it doesn’t help. Do you have any advice as to what I should do? Thank you.

  26. Jen says:

    I waited all my life (literally!) for a man that fits this bill. I am a submissive at heart, but due to life’s circumstances, am also very strong and able to be independent and alone. I’m an intelligent, educated woman with a decent job, as well (nurse), so I didn’t need just any man. And if I could control a man, I lost interest VERY quickly. Then HE came along. I did my usual “push away” thing (I also wanted someone strong enough to climb the walls I’d built), and he didn’t go away. He wasn’t needy or clingy, just reassuring. He is incredibly intelligent, rational, thoughyful, and above all, always in control. He is vulnerable on rare occasions with his feelings, but never so much that I question his manhood. More than anything, I RESPECT him and TRUST him to make good choices for both of us. He always listens to me, but in the end, I have nobproblem accepting his say as the final say. THIS is truly what a D&s relationship is. I have never felt so safe, secure, and well-cared for in my life.
    On a side note, we are also mutually into the S&M lifestyle– not to the point of outright cruelty, but certainly discipline, pushing likits, control, etc. We both have a need for that, as well. In all honesty, we do not have a “safe word” because of the total commitment to each other, this lifestyle, and this relationship. He senses when things are just too much for me and eases up. I know his needs and take his punishment to the highest extent possible.
    I can only say that TRULY participating in this lifestyle takes complete trust and commitment to each other. This should apply to any relationship, but is especially true in this type. I have never been happier or more content!

  27. C says:

    Just my thoughts.

    Firstly hats off to the intital overview. Very well written and poignant.

    Secondly and perhaps slightly controversial is my frustration with so many people ‘wanting to be a dom’ I consider myself a dom in the guise of the initial piece written. I also firmly believe you can not become a dom any more than you can become a sub. It is either in you or it isn’t. Sure you can hone your skills through practice but the fundamental basics are in ones DNA. Without this you are simply learning to act a part. You may become a great actor but it’s never real. C

  28. Sheshe says:

    I just wish there were more like you around …. true subs finding a Dom that is what he should be is like finding a needle in a haystack I salute you Sir ;)))

  29. Vincent bailey ladd says:

    Hey I am a Dom in training an I would greatly appreciate it if someone where to email me with some advice, if you could comment your email on this and I’ll try and get ahold of you at the earliest convenience. Thank you

  30. New Sub says:

    Just had my first experience as a sub this weekend. I feel that my dom truly believes he is a good dom, but after reading and learning more about “good” doms, I’m not so sure. The first hour of the night was amazing, but the rest of the weekend did not meet my expectations. He started by putting a blindfold on me and using bed restraints on my wrists and ankles. From there, he ran ice cubes over my body, kissed me everywhere, applied vibrating nipple clamps, and gently whipped me with various tools. I was in heaven and loved every bit of it. While his face was between my legs, I was so wet and ready to explode so I asked him to fuck me. He did and I was gushing everywhere, having multiple g-spot orgasms. The feeling was intense, like nothing
    I’d ever experienced. I wondered why I’d waiting so long to do this. (I’m 38.)

    But should he have fucked me so quickly? Given in to my request? From there, the rest of the weekend consisted of a mixture of “regular” rough sex and the dom/sub roles. At one point I tried testing his limits and was punished for doing so. (I asked to be punished). He whipped my ass so hard, I cried. Before the tears came rolling down, I had asked him to stop and he didn’t. Do I always have to use our safe word or should my begging him to stop been enough? I was in so much pain, I honestly forgot about the safe word. He finally stopped when he realized I was crying. He comforted me after and all was well for the rest of the night. I felt safe and cared for that night. It was overall a great first experience, but I would have liked a little more comforting, caressing, and being held after, especially it being my first time. .

    The next night we went to dinner and this is where things took a turn. For the three weeks leading up to our first meet this weekend, we were both pretty Open and getting to know each other. However, he was somewhat cold and distant at dinner. I was trying to get to know him more, but every time I tried to ask him something about
    Himself, he almost seemed irritated. His moods are so erratic, it’s like
    Walking on eggshells. Is this normal? I’ve seen his gentle side and how he lights up when talking about his kids. I also know he wants to be a good dom, but I don’t think he realizes some of his behaviors say otherwise. I know open communication is key to a dom/sub relationship, but I’m almost afraid to tell him how I’m feeling. Will he think I’m too needy or “vanilla” if I tell him that I need to feel valued outside of the bedroom and soothed after our experiences (which I thoroughly enjoyed)? I’m so confused right now- this is like one huge mind fuck. Cant decide whether or not he’s a true dom or just a bipolar asshole right now. Or maybe it’s just me and my understanding of all of this. Maybe I am just being selfish?

    Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

  31. C says:

    Some of the best Doms, at one time or another, have been in a submissive role themselves.

  32. Amy Andrews says:

    A Dom
    As asked me to be is sub and I don’t really understand why? & I don’t really nor what it intells ans what is expected of me

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