Goddess’ 12 Tips To Avoid Being a Victim

Spank Me Maybe

by SweetGeekGoddess

(c) July 2013 All rights reserved


Whether you are brand spanking new to BDSM or have been around the block a few times we are all vulnerable to the occasional sociopathic predator that wanders into our midst.  These predators come in many different shapes and sizes and wear differing degrees of leather or kink.   No matter where they rear their ugly heads they are a major buzz kill to getting your kink on.  They can take the form of a gaggle of gossipy subby subs or Master/Mistress Domminus trained by the finest Gorean masters this side of Wichita, or just your average looking kinkster wanting to have a quick beating with a tup and a tickle.  Regardless of how they manifest themselves there are a few things you can do to avoid being a victim of drama or abuse.  Here are my 12 steps to keeping yourself from being a victim of a predator.

  1. Don’t be needy, greedy or desperate.  Predators prey on the weak.  Don’t be the one they can cut from the herd.
  2. Know who you are whether it is nothing more than discovering or involving. Knowing yourself can make a strong argument.
  3. Know how to say ‘NO’. This is easier if you follow #1.
  4. Like who you are and be comfortable with yourself.  Predators love to use your self worth against you. A strong self-esteem is one of your greatest assets.
  5. Educate yourself on BDSM, study the gurus amongst us, the big names, like Midori, Lee Harrington, Graydancer, Mollena, Master Tatu, Princess Kali, luna, Jack Rinella~ they have books, websites and blogs. You can even follow them on Twitter for the latest tidbits of wisdom flowing from their lips.
  6. Live your life with honor and integrity. It’s easier that way.
  7. When you are happy with yourself, like who you are you will attract those folks who will want to play and be with you. You may also attract and annoy the jealous cats and assholes, but hey, who gives a shit about them anyway??
  8. Remember, what other people think of you is none of your business. If you follow 2, 4, 6 and 7 this will be fairly easy.
  9. Make negotiations and contracts very clear. Negotiate inclusively not exclusively. See Tutivillus article:  “The Seductive Art of Negotiation”: http://www.kinkabuse.com/healthy-bdsm/the-seductive…
  10. Seek out those folks who can match your energy and integrity. That won’t necessarily be community leaders or those in the spotlight. Find a good fit for YOU. That will be different than the sub or Dom across the play space. Everyone is different. The wonderful thing about leather is that it will reshape itself to fit you if you wear it long enough.
  11. I am responsible. Yes, that means slaves and submissives as well as Dominants. You are responsible for your happiness, your life, your mistakes, victories and most of all your sexuality. Own it, love it and live it. Life is too damn short to live with regrets.
  12. Have fun. To quote the Governor, “If you aren’t having fun you are doing it wrong’.

Predators are sometimes unavoidable no matter what you do.  But following these tips will greatly reduce your chances of becoming the next victim.

9 Responses to Goddess’ 12 Tips To Avoid Being a Victim

  1. MM says:

    Wow. That was a really half-assed list right there.

    Learn how to say no?!? That’s it? There’s absolutely nothing else you want to add to that? What about when a top shames you for using your safeword or shames you for not being “willing to properly serve”?

    A comprehensive and helpful list this is certainly not. How disappointing.

    And what does “Live your life with honor and integrity. It’s easier that way.” even mean? What?

    Get off FetLife for five minutes and take some time to flesh this out. Use that brain of yours and provide some substantial and helpful advice instead of this fluffy drivel.

    Shame on you. This list in not honor and integrity. Not at all.

    I would say this list is reductive, lazy, and extremely irresponsible. You should be embarrassed.

    • Jane says:

      If your dom shames you for using your safeword, it won’t work if you have self-respect and realize that this is something only a shithead does. This is actually good advice even if it is repetitive, because most of it boils down to: ‘take care of yourself like a fucking adult.’ It’s never someone’s fault that they’re abused, but it can damn well be their fault that they put up with it. If you have money of your own and they’re not killing crazy, YOU’RE A GROWNUP. LEAVE.

      • Nori says:

        You are an ignorant, and a swine. Don’t you know the mental manipulation that abused people, especially subs, go through? They aren’t lesser people when they end up falling prey to tactics. Not all abusers are abrasive and transparent assholes from an after school specail, sweetie. You have no idea how life works or what happens out there. How about you grow up, and you LEAVE and speak to actual experts on abuse before resigning to the same tired mindset of “blah blah blah, if I were in HER place, I wouldn’t stay for that, I would’, because you have NO FUCKING CLUE what type of mental and emotional hell they’ve been through.

        • admin says:

          Jane or Nori, I am not sure which as you have commented on this article with two separate names, but the same email address…

          I do actually understand what a victim of emotional and physical abuse goes through. It is painful, horrid and took me years and professional help to recover. I can speak from my own experience that there comes a time in recovery and the healing process that you take a look at your own behavior and how it contributed to getting yourself into a abusive relationship. I am NOT suggesting in anyway that the victim is at fault. What I am saying is that reflection upon what signs, behavior patterns, steps in the slow descent into hell did I myself miss? Where did I not see the abuse coming at me? At what point did the verbal degradation make me doubt myself?

          Taking an inventory of ones strengths and weaknesses is incredibly powerful tool and not just in the healing process but in taking charge and control over one’s mental and emotional health. One of the most difficult and empowering tools is to understand the concept of “I am responsible”. No, you aren’t responsible for the act of violence and abuse that was perpetrated against you, but you are responsible for your own well-being and happiness. You will and will always be responsible for your own emotions and your own actions. I do not believe there is anything more difficult for a victim of domestic violence than to say “I love myself” and “I am responsible”.

          It took me two years, to accept the words of a professional counselor, that if I chose to stay within an abusive relationship, that I was not a victim but a volunteer. It made me so angry to hear that I had volunteered to being slapped, kicked, spit upon, verbally abused and emotionally battered. How absurd! How unfair! I was outraged! I was a victim! This was victim shaming! He the abuser was at fault! Yes, his behavior was/is reprehensible and will always be so. However, I had a choice to understand my own motivation, my own needs/desires and I had the choice to walk away. It was the understanding that I am responsible for my own emotions and actions.

          It was the power of choice that rescued me. It was THE hardest thing I have ever done to become self-aware enough to understand that I had choices. This understanding of self, choice and personal responsibility is what rescued me from my abuser. This understanding that I had a responsibility to myself to demand and expect respect. If mutual respect wasn’t at the core of that relationship that I had to take responsibility for my part within the relationship, I had to be responsible for caring for myself enough to walk away from the abuse.

          It is my sincere hope that others can become self-aware to understand that they too have choices and can find the courage and strength to walk away.

          Too many times the abuser wins the battle by convincing their victims that they are just that victims. There is so much power in self-awareness, self-love, self-understanding. Never under estimate the power of choice. The abusers cannot win when you become self-aware and understand the power you have in the choices you make.

          I always post the “negative” comments as well as the positive. I believe strongly that hearing from both sides of the coin so to speak promotes critical thinking. I would like to point out that your verbal abuse speaks loudly to who you are. In future, any comments by you that involve name calling will be deleted.

          • Jane says:

            I am not Nori, and I’m glad you understand what I was trying to say. Note the bits about children and being kill-crazy. There are horrible, pressing, physical safety reasons not to leave some of these messes, but unless the abuser is going to kill you, kill the kids, keep the kids from you, or you don’t know anyone to take you in, you can leave, and you should. Because you are responsible for you, no matter how fucked up things get.

  2. Do you really think this writing is in any way helpful or useful? Really? That someone ‘having fun’ is going to stop predators?

    To me, this writing is incredibly ill informed and reductive. It shows no insight into abuse processes or rape statistics and is actually damaging in so many ways.

    I just can’t seem to process that you would actually think this is helpful or useful in any way? You’re pretty much telling weak women that they ask for it.

    • admin says:

      I might have to flesh this out more. That is an excellent idea! Thank you! I disagree that this writing is ill informed. I think empowering yourself is the first step to counter act abuse, and that is what the tips are all about; empowering yourself. It reflects poorly upon your own prejudices, that you assume that I EVER simply speak to women only or think of women as ‘weak’. Shame on you for your assumptions!

      • Nori says:

        I feel you shouldn’t have focused on the commenter right while you’re in a really thin-paned glasshouse. You suggest looking up the works and looking up towards “big names”, which means and does absolutely nothing. And while you preach about assumptions, your list makes terrible presumptions about people who are abused only after the fact. Abusers often get away with what they do for a reason, you know. They are smart. They know how to appear “genuine”, but their true selves and shadiness don’t show until much, much later, and even before then, you’re not considering the fact that people are BROKEN DOWN by abusers after meeting them, and it’s done so in such a pervasive, slow and subtle way within the relationship, that it becomes akin to a toxic transformation. Most of all, these tips assume the worst of the people reading them. People aren’t just aware of whether or not they “love” themselves, and there’s so much in life that can go wrong and affect the best of us. Of course we’re all responsible for ourselves, but it’s the DOM’S responsibility to not fuck up. THEY are responsible for the welfare and growth of the sub once the relationship is established, and somehow, it’s the sub’s fault for being hurt and devastated, when their expectations are violated but it’s too late? You don’t know if they’re being blackmailed, or what, even.

        Someone else with a better understanding of basic psychology, experiance with abuse survival, and a grasp on empathy should’ve written this.

        • admin says:

          I appreciate your comments/concerns. However, this site shares the opinions and thoughts of folks in the lifestyle and is NOT a website based upon psychological research, nor is it written by trained psychologists. It is full of insight based upon the life experiences of those who live within a BDSM context. If you wish to read articles by PhD’s, then may I suggest “Psychology Today”?

          Yes, I am aware how “smart” abusers are having been involved in two extremely physically and emotionally abusive relationships for a total of 18 years. I have recovered from my experiences which is why I share what I do. I understand completely and would say better than most, how the abusers slowly suck you into their abuse cycle. After several years of reflection and professional help I cannot stress enough, the power and strength that knowing oneself and loving oneself can be in battling the tactics of an abusive personality. There are red flags that abusers wave like a neon tattoos on their forehead. If you are self-aware, and are aware of the abusive personality and how these narcissists operate, then you are less likely to be sucked up into their abusive realm.

          I will have to disagree adamantly that the Dominant in a D/s take full and exclusive responsibility for a D/s relationship. A submissive has and will always have the responsibility to care for his/her self in ANY relationship regardless of the dynamic. Taking responsibility for one’s emotional well being and health is what emotionally healthy adults do; take care of themselves. In fact, it is my humble opinion that is impossible to have any healthy relationship regardless of the dynamic if the parties involved refuse to take responsibility for their, actions, emotions and behavior. Yes, a dominant does have responsibilities to his submissive to care for his/her emotional health just as a submissive cares for his/her dominant. But that does not negate the personal responsibility that each individual has to themselves and the relationship. To suggest otherwise is to suggest and encourage emotionally immature and an unhealthy relationships. In fact, I would go further to suggest that a submissive who refuses to take responsibility for her own emotional health is in fact walking the line of abusive behavior.

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