by MisterTimebomb Original article on Fetlife HERE
(c)March 2014 All rights reserved This article is the sole property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted in any format without express written permission of the author
D/s without complete trust and honesty is bullshit. The basic psychology of dominance and submission (for me) is this: create a safe place. A container where trust and honesty are primary. You don’t try to control anything except those two elements to begin with.
Once you’ve established trust and provided safety, wait. Listen. Watch. Your submissive(s) will fill the space you created with everything else there is to offer. Over time. In drips and dribbles. You want control? The secret is to stop trying so hard. Establish a perimeter. Fill it with those two things. All the rest will come to you.
I see desperation for complete control all the time in this lifestyle. I’ve felt it myself. Wanted to dominate the body and know I was in charge of how and when she took it off, put it on, let it all hang loose. Those things won’t matter tomorrow. In a month. In a year. They fade away. I love the rituals and the routines but complete submission doesn’t come from physical control or mind fuckery. True submission starts inside a safe place with an open heart.
If you can establish that place and be honest, you’ll capture all the rest. Desire. Secrets. Raw fears. Insecurity. Complete surrender. Establish trust and provide safety. The rest of it doesn’t matter as much.
Are you fierce about protecting the heart you want to own so badly? If you start the relationship with a list of demands a mile long you are doing things backwards. Start over.
From my perspective, you’re just playing at dominance unless you understand trust and safety. You might get bent knees and a collar on without those two things. If so, it’s just a game and you are going to lose eventually. Everyone involved.
Next time you attend a play party, munch, dungeon or whatever, pay attention. I can almost guarantee which of the partnered top/bottom combinations are going to last. It doesn’t matter how they self-identify, what their kinks are, how many of them are in the relationship.
Study the people who smile the most. The ones with that look of secret satisfaction in their eyes. They might not be playing with each other at the moment you see them. They will be looking at each other though. Supporting each other across invisible lines of connection you can’t possibly break.
Trust and safety. When those are present, the top(s) will be content, impossibly self-assured, watchfully protective without being overbearing. The bottom(s) will be unafraid, open and ebullient. To me, this is what d/s is all about.
MisterTimebomb is a published author. You can find his writing HERE.
omg i love this article – thanks!