Defining Abuse in Absolute and Total Power Exchange

By  Master Eso copywrite 2005


The problems with the definition of abuse within an Absolute and Total Power Exchange commitment/relationship is very clear. Abuse is completely subjective. Everyone has different perceptions, principles and standards, as well as different needs, wants and kinks.

So, lets look at some commonly used definitions, and see how applicable and useful they might be in finding a standard definition of abuse in APE/TPE:

Majority: A majority of people in the “vanilla” society around the world do consider everyone who is into BDSM or APE/TPE as either an abuser or abusee. Even the majority in the mainstream BDSM community, who are themselves considered abusers and abusee’s by the vanilla society, consider those who practice APE/TPE as abusers and abusee’s. Clearly the concept of “majority” cannot be used to define
a standard of abuse in APE/TPE.

Law: Many activities within BDSM or APE/TPE are illegal and against the law. Even slavery itself, consensual or not, is against the law. In some states sadomasochism is illegal, while in other states anal sex or even oral sex, is illegal and against the law. Clearly the concept of “law” cannot serve us to define a standard of abuse within APE/TPE.

Health: Many would think that the concept of a healthy Dominant, submissive or even activity can be used as a standard. Unfortunately, “health” is again a most subjective term. A majority of healthcare professionals do consider those into BDSM or APE/TPE as unhealthy or mentally ill. In the very least Dominants and submissives both possess all the signs of “unhealthy” Co-Dependency. Clearly the concept of “health” cannot be applied in the definition of abuse in APE/TPE.

Harm: What is considered harmful to some, is a need and desire to others. Even a simple bruise could be considered as harm. Not to mention a tattoo, a piercing, a branding or a stroke with a cane or flogger. Clearly harm is very subjective and cannot be used as a standard in defining abuse in APE/TPE.

Inhumanity: For some extreme de-humanization is a most desired need. Others crave to be completely objectified or used as a pet, pony or pig. Human or Inhuman is also very subjective again. Clearly “inhumane” cannot be used as a standard for definition of abuse in APE/TPE.

Sustainability: This is actually a pretty good concept. Any activity that can be repeated indefinitely without leading to death would be acceptable. Unfortunately, life itself is not sustainable. Even piercings, brandings etc. will eventually lead to dead if repeated too often. As every food becomes poisonous if eaten in excess, I
believe every activity will eventually lead to dead. The concept of sustainability however would restrict the Masters absolute power, which of course would be in opposition to APE/TPE. Clearly, while “sustainability” is a pretty good attempt, it cannot be used as a standard to define abuse in APE/TPE.

Safe: “Safety” is about as subjective as it gets. Safe for what, safe for whom, what in this world is really safe ? Without going much further here, clearly “safe” cannot be possibly be used as a standard to define abuse in APE/TPE

Sane: The King of subjectivity. What really is sane ? Who really is sane ? Are we all insane ? I am sane. You are not. It is impossible to even consider “sanity” as a definition of abuse in APE/TPE.

Consent: Another very good concept, in which everything that is consensual would not be abuse. However, a slave consents completely, absolutely and unconditional when accepting a Masters collar. If applied to APE/TPE the concept of “consent” alone would negate even the slightest possibility of abuse. Clearly, if the concept of abuse is valid in APE/TPE, and I believe it is, then it cannot be defined with the concept of “consent” alone.

Abuse: Clearly the most abused word in the English language. Without definition it is meaningless and absurd in its application to Absolute and Total Power Exchange.

Our through the practice of Absolute and Total Power Exchange inherited inability to find a clear standard of definition of abuse in APE/TPE, of course, leaves us in a real dilemma.

Who gets to define and set standards as to what is acceptable and what not ? Who gets to say my Kink is good and your Kink is bad ? Who has the right to impose and dictate their limits and regulations on all others ? Who gets to determine what’s right or wrong for everyone else ?

The simple truth is, it doesn’t mean a thing what you might think or say. It really means squat what even I think or say. And in APE/TPE it doesn’t even matter what a slave might think. Unless a definition of “abuse” in APE/TPE can be found and established as a standard which is applicable to everyone, it only matters what a slaves Master thinks or says.

So, if we cannot find a clear definition standard applicable, acceptable and adoptable to everyone practicing Absolute and Total Power Exchange, by way of defining abuse, we must now look at what abuse is not:

As we all should agree that a slave is her Masters property, and has no rights other then the privileges granted by her Master, and the slave consents, surrenders and submits completely, voluntary and unconditional when accepting her Masters collar, then a Master may do with his slave as he alone sees fit, according to his wants and needs, as well as his values, principles and beliefs. The Master has the final decision in all matters and issues within this power structure. Once a slave has accepted her Masters collar and consented to be his total and unconditional slave, no further consent is needed or required.

In turn a Master is completely and absolutely responsible for his slave’s behavior, actions and deed, care and safety, health and wellbeing – physically and mentally, and ultimately her life in accordance with God’s Law, His Higher Self, or the Laws of Nature, Universal Laws, Human Laws, Spiritual Laws, you pick it… all according to a Masters values, believes, principles, character, etc.

The forgoing conditions must be met for it to be a consensual APE/TPE slavery commitment. Any conditions, limits or restrictions imposed on the Master by the slave, would negate APE/TPE slavery. Period. Absolute and Total, mean just that. Absolute, Total and Unconditional.

Derived from the forgoing conditions here is my general attempt of definition of “abuse” within an APE/TPE commitment as it could be applied to everyone:

“”Abuse” is doing something to someone, else that you have no right to do, or having them do something to you that they have no right to, or to use or be used wrongly or improperly.”

This is indeed a very fitting and useful definition of abuse, especially if applied to our Absolute Master and slave commitments/relationships such as APE/TPE.

However, while the Masters rights grant him almost omnipotent powers and authority (as it should be) and they are almost self-explanatory, the proper, improper and wrong use of a slave puts us right back into the dilemma, as everyone has different perceptions of proper and improper use, as everyone has different values, needs, and kinks.

Therefore, in all my years in this lifestyle, the only definition of abuse in APE/TPE, that I could conclude, which is applicable and should be acceptable to everyone is the definition of intent.

If a Master continually does “harm” to his slaves in a way, that he did not intent to originally, such as it might be the case with alcohol or drug abuse, mental illness, or any other significant mental or emotional imbalance, this might indeed constitute “abuse”, even within an absolute relationship. The emphasis here must lay on the Masters intention, or “non intention” for that matter.

This definition seems to me, to be the one and only definition of “abuse” in APE/TPE that can be accepted, adopted and even practiced, by everyone practicing Absolute and Total Power Exchange.

Anyone wishing to use this article on their site or mailing list may do so as long as the article remains unchanged and my name and email address remain on them. Giving credit where it belongs.

31 Responses to Defining Abuse in Absolute and Total Power Exchange

  1. Pere says:

    I can’t believe they let you put this article on a site devoted to warn about abuses on BDSM.

    The core of your argumentation derives from : “As we all should agree that a slave is her Masters property, and has no rights other then the privileges granted by her Master, and the slave consents, surrenders and submits completely, voluntary and unconditional when accepting her Masters collar, then a Master may do with his slave as he alone sees fit, according to his wants and needs, as well as his values, principles and beliefs. The Master has the final decision in all matters and issues within this power structure. Once a slave has accepted her Masters collar and consented to be his total and unconditional slave, no further consent is needed or required”.

    Your last phrase synthesizes perfectly all that is wrong in your argument : “Once a slave has accepted her Masters collar and consented to be his total and unconditional slave, no further consent is needed or required”.

    You say that everybody should agree with you in that, but you are wrong, I don’t agree to that and nobody else will agree to that except an abuser.

    Have you ever heard about Human Rights ?. They are inalienable fundamental rights for every human being, Free Will is one of those fundamental human rights recognized by the whole world. You can’t take his Free Will from anybody, you can only borrow it while and only while he agrees to let you do it.

    A sex slave still is a human being, it doesn’t matter if he accepts a collar or the oaths of TPE he could had made, … . You can’t dehumanize him, he’s not your dog, pony, … he still is an human being so he benefits from the Universal Human Rights inalienable to any human being.

    As an human being “with” Free Will, a sex slave can still change his mind at “any” moment. If you deny him this right, you are abusing of him. A sex slave in a TPE relationship can end your Master/Slave relationship at any moment that he feels that it doesn’t fulfills him anymore. It is his inalienable right as human being. A sex slave in a TPE relationship can change his mind at any moment and establish boundaries if he founds that he doesn’t like or can’t take any more some practices, his Master will only have two choices : accept this boundaries or end the relationship if he can’t accept it, because if he keeps doing the practices recently forbidden by the slave, he will be abusing of an human being.

    Your definition of “abuse” in a TPE relationship is utterly wrong because you keep ignoring the slave will and only consider the Master doing : if he has bad intentions, etc. … But the slave wills, desires and doings are as important as the Master ones, if a Master deny a Slave’s Free Will when he feels he need to regain it and requests to end or to establish boundaries on the relationship, then this Master is abusing of the Slave on his most fundamental and inalienable right. A Master like that must be accused to the local authorities by any one who sees such hideous abuse and rightfully deserves to end his days in jail.

    Remember, Free Will is universally recognized as a fundamental inalienable Human Right, so can’t be taken from anyone, only borrowed while your slave feels okay to play that part.

    I request that the staff of this site marks your article at least as very controversial, and possibly, the perfect definition of the ultimate abuse.

    • admin says:

      Thank you for your comments and insight. Master/Slave dynamics can be difficult waters to navigate when discussing abuse. As the Web Mistress, I do appreciate your comments and insight and subsequently have approved your comments. I agree that even in a APE/TPE relationship that a slave can revoke consent at any time. However, Master ESO does make an excellent point about intent. Thus, his article on APE will still remain up. If you wish to debate his viewpoints, his email is on the post but can be found again here: Again your comments are passionate, well thought and appreciated. ~ SweetGeekGoddess

  2. Pere says:

    My first reply has been censored, so I have rewrote it in a form that I expect you found acceptable.

    You can’t ignore the BDSM Slave fundamental rights and deny him the right to change the relationship with his Master.

    • admin says:

      No, it wasn’t censored just the webmistress i.e., me was too slammed with life to moderate the comments. I apologize for the delay. You make some excellent points and things that anyone considering a APE/TPE should consider. I am approving your comments because I believe your viewpoints have value. Master Eso article will remain as I read “Once a slave has accepted her Masters collar and consented to be his total and unconditional slave, no further consent is needed or required” does NOT mean that the M/s dynamic cannot be dissolved by the slave. A slave does have the right to remove his/her self from an abusive situation or leave a Master if the dynamic is not working. I will email Master Eso and see if he wishes to make comment or elaborate on this. Thank you again for your viewpoint, it is valued and appreciated! ~ SweetGeekGoddess

  3. Elise says:


    I am sorry, but you clearly know very little about TPE. I know many slaves who have chosen to surrender even their exit out of the relationship to their Masters. Is it abuse to chose to surrender your consent after the initial consent to the relationship? How can it be abuse if the slave consented to it? You may not agree with the relationship structure, but that doesn’t make it abusive. There is more then one way to live.

    To me, a sign of a healthy TPE relationship is that all adults involved in it are content and functional. If your relationship does not impede but instead enhances your everyday functionality, then that relationship is a positive one for you, regardless of how others outside of it may see it. People look at the structure of TPE and judge it based on the intense surrender that the slaves accepts onto her or his self, but that is not what makes TPE function. TPE functions on intense and absolute trust that takes years to build, trust so deep that consent becomes no longer necessary. Consent is our own personal “I”, our protection of our person, but a TPE slave does not need consent any longer, because she has that much faith and trust in their Master (or Mistress). And yes, she surrenders her inalienable rights too.

    • Pere says:

      You obviously may not consider it abuse, but certainly you are a tiny minority.

      Have you ever heard about the Human Rights ?. Human Rights cannot be surrendered. You don’t believe me ?, consult a lawyer.

      If your slave wants out and you don’t obligate his/her willing, you are committing a bunch of very serious felonies, with very ugly names, like kidnap, rape, brainwashing, … …

      It doesn’t matter how many times have you willingly collared your partner, it doesn’t matter what contract has he/she willingly signed, if an slave changes his/her mind, wants an out and you don’t allow it, you will spend the rest of your life in jail, because in every legal system and in every mind (except yours) enslavering an unwilling human being is the ‘ultimate’ abuse.

      Sincerely, your definition of abuse is not important, Elise, neither are your slave’s definitions or Mister Eso’s definition. Because abuse is defined and legislated by our whole society, if you don’t allow an exit out to your unhappy slaves, you are a very serious abuser to our society’s eyes and legal system. Slaves cannot legally surrender their inalienable rights, no matter what you think or your slave thinks at the moment of being collared. No society and legal system on Earth accepts that, that’s utter abuse to us.

      In order to prevent such abuses, I encourage any witness of no-more willing and fulfilling TPE relationships to denounce it to the public authorities.

  4. Pere says:


    Put yourself in the place of an potential abused, and look how dangerous is your assessment that a collared slave has no right to an exit out.

    Imagine a young, naive, vulnerable girl (maybe someone kicked off of her parent’s house) that meets a mature, intelligent and established man. They start to date, she’s infatuated by his attentions, they start to play kinky games, he promises her the moon and a couple of months later she accepts to be collared. What if after the collarment that person turns to be a true bastard (kinda the Cleveland Monster) that makes her life a living hell ?.

    Even you will watch that as an abuse (you obviously act in good faith and only consider TPE relationships after years of building trust). But that bastard will use your opinion and Mister Eso’s article as a justification and endorsement of his abuses, because she really has surrended her further consent.

    Luckily, a person cannot really surrender their fundamental rights (no matter what you and Mister Eso say), so that naive, vulnerable, stupid girl, is protected by our society and laws, as any other slave in a TPE relationship that no longer fulfils him/her.

    • Anduin says:

      She is protected as long as she knows of her rights and has a WAY of exercising them. I ‘ve seen many false Doms and real abusers preying on women like this.

  5. Holle says:

    I find this article to be interesting, but not in any positive aspect to the BDSM community, whether looking from the outside or from within. The author spends a great deal of time defining the role of the slave in a total power exchange relationship and the responsibility of the slave is laid out, in the author’s opinion, very plainly. The responsibility of the Master, however, is far less defined. If I were someone contemplating a TPE relationship, this article would tell me precious little about what to expect from a master or what warning signs to look for in a potential master. My only definition for abuse is “intent” or “non-intent”, neither of which are easy to measure or prove.

    What I do get immediately, and what is dangerous for those trying to learn about entering a TPE relationship, is that I should never, ever, ever, if I feel I am being abused or my Master in a Master/slave relationship is going to far, ever go to anyone. The first few paragraphs inform me that 1. even in the BDSM community I am going to be looked down upon and seen as a pariah. 2. That if I go to the police, I could be arrested, as I am participating in an illegal activity, and 3. that if I go to a health care provider, for example if I am actually injured, that they could force me into treatment under the auspice of being mentally unstable.

    So basically, your site dedicated to helping people identify and get out of abusive BDSM relationships and situations potentially does just he opposite.

    • admin says:

      Our site is dedicated to providing information so that people can make informed decisions. If a TPE relationship is not for you, then by all means do not enter into one.

    • Hello Holle,

      As someone who’s been in a Master/slave relationship (what the article above refers to as APE/TPE) for 11 years, I’d like to give you my perspective on your comments and points raised on the article above. The article above was written almost ten years ago and, believe it or not, quite a bit has changed in the past ten years.

      The first few paragraphs inform me that 1. even in the BDSM community I am going to be looked down upon and seen as a pariah. 2. That if I go to the police, I could be arrested, as I am participating in an illegal activity, and 3. that if I go to a health care provider, for example if I am actually injured, that they could force me into treatment under the auspice of being mentally unstable.

      1. Any small group, close-knit group, is going to be put under strain and stress when an abuse accusation is made. That happens with churches, PTAs, pretty much any group. The BDSM community isn’t very much different in that regards – you have many good apples, and a few bad apples, when it comes to helping victims, or victim blaming.

      2. Not true! You’re more likely, unfortunately, to not be believed in some places – the victim blaming mentality happens in police forces as much as any place else. Groups like NCSF (Nat’l Coalition for Sexual Freedom) do a lot to try and combat that. You won’t be arrested or charged for being in a Power Exchange relationship and it’s doubtful you’d be charged with anything else, unless you were the abuser and the DA really wanted to throw the book at you.

      3. You are not under risk of being committed for partaking in consensual S/m. You’re more likely to be questioned for bruises/injuries under the Doctor’s legal requirement to report potential abuse. Participating in S/m or alternative sexual practices and relationships is far more common and even the DSM V (the diagnostic manual/tool used by doctors and mental health practicioners) has come in favor of “healthy” S/m practices.

      Please be assured that today, you are less likely to get “in trouble” for S/m or power exchange activities from a police/medical aspect. I encourage you to do some research at places like the NCSF’s website or to reach out to local groups like MAsT chapters (Masters & slaves Together) if you’d like to know more.

  6. As some general comments to the article, again, from someone who is in an 11 year M/s relationship and is about as out as I can be…

    The article above has some of the “kink hyperbole” that we can read on Fetlife, but one aspect that it raises is very true – it is hard to gauge the boundaries and edges of a Master/slave relationship. These are truly “edge play” relationships and they take work, they take attention and they take commitment on both parties parts to make it happen.

    However, I’d like to raise one aspect that is missing from the article. It doesn’t matter what “WE” in the M/s (or APE/TPE) community want to define abuse as – what is important is to understand what the community around us defines abuse as. When Mr. Police-man comes a’knockin’ at your door, he’s not going to care that Suzie “consents, surrenders and submits completely, voluntary and unconditional when accepting her Masters collar, then a Master may do with his slave as he alone sees fit, according to his wants and needs, as well as his values, principles and beliefs.”

    What Mr. (or Mrs.) Police-man is going to care about initially is 2 things:
    1. Was it consensual? While the M/s community may talk about “last final consent”, and “all rights go to the Master”, the reality of the world is that Mr. Police-man is going to base it on his view of consent, and what the state says someone may consent to. So while Suzie may have consented to belt beatings as punishment, if that state says you may not do that, those are grounds to have Master Uber arrested.

    2. Is there evidence of physical/sexual violence? Here again, Mr. Police-man is not going to care about the 50 page contract, the lifelong surrender or any of those trappings, he’s going to look at what he’s been trained to see as signs of abuse and violence. Because M/s plays on the edges of those boundaries, if he’s already made a determination that this was not consensual, then he’s going to probe further. Ask more questions. It’s not going to be a fun time. And Mr. Police-man’s not going to care that Master Uber “intended” on teaching Suzie a lesson within his view of “a slave is her Masters property, and has no rights other then the privileges granted by her Master”

    So to come back to the original question, how do we define abuse in the M/s community – is actually an easy answer. How does your state and local laws define it? What tests will they use? And therefore, how close to the edge do you choose to walk? There’s a price for walking that edge, and part of that price is accepting the risk that we could be seen as abusive.

    Within the community, between each other, it’s a very similar answer. If I’m to look at the author’s relationships and determine if they are abusive or not, I’m going to go by his/her laws that apply. Ultimately, because we all walk in potentially grey areas, what I may define as abusive, someone else may define as “Saturday night fun.” So the test that the author dismisses – “consent” – is actually the only test that ultimately we can apply. Was there clear, decisive consent, and did the slave consent to the activity performed?

    In M/s, while we can talk about the ideal of “total and final consent”, the reality, as another commenter pointed out, is that anyone can walk away at any time. My slave could look at me tomorrow, say “no” and there’s very little that I can actually do about it. She’s removed consent. Anything I do to limit her movements, stop her from leaving beyond communication, becomes legal assault.

    The point of M/s and what the author tried to say, is that it’s the work in the relationship to create conditions which the slave doesn’t need or want to revoke consent. And that’s easy – be an ethical human. Communicate. Adapt and grow with life. Have compatible goals. You know… all that relationship stuff that really underlies what is a M/s *relationship.* If you’re an ethical, non-abusive person, you won’t have to worry about this.

    For those in M/s relationships, you know what you negotiated (and yes, M/s relationships are negotiated, discussed, planned out and revisited… at least the long term non-abusive successful ones that I’ve seen) and consented to. If those lines get crossed, if it feels abusive, then seek help, seek out the resources that are here and on places like NCSF or your locality. High minded ideals of what “TPE is and should be” are one thing… the reality of your life and what works for you in an ongoing relationship are another.

    • admin says:

      Thank you Master Michael for expressing things so clearly. I have debated removing this article based upon the controversy that it generates. However, I leave it here because I do believe it has value if for not other purpose than the discussion and thoughts it provokes. Thank you again for your comments.

  7. Unhappy slave says:

    I’m in a total power exchange relationship because I told my boyfriend a lie a year and a half ago, so he felt it to be best if he became my master and in charge of all decisions. My master calls me nasty names out of anger and beats me when he’s angry. He also threatens to kill me. He says I should worship him and be grateful for any and everything he gives me. Part of me believes this is abuse as sometimes I’m left wanting to commit suicide, but part of me believes him as I am a nobody and he is a successful barrister.

    • admin says:

      Even though you are in a TPE, you can withdraw your consent to the relationship. If you feel you are being abused, or you feel unsafe then seek out a mental health professional or a women’s shelter. If you are suicidal then please please seek help immediately!

      A good dominant and master would never punish out of anger and would certainly never use verbal abuse to control you. A good Master is in control of him/herself at all times. Remember that this is an exchange which means that the energy needs to be two-sided. It is the master’s duty and indeed his part of the exchange to ensure his slave(s) feel safe, respected and cared for. Being a slave does not equate to being abused. A TPE should begin with rigorous and detailed negotiation and with utmost respect given to the slave as well as the Master. Though you have entered into consensual non-consent, you can withdraw your service and your consent if the Master does not take proper care of his property i.e., YOU!

      Again it the duty and the obligation of the master to ensure that you don’t feel the need to withdraw your consent. If you feel you are being abused, are feeling suicidal then please seek help immediately!

  8. Unhappy slave says:

    Thank you for your response. This is a very difficult time for me as I am struggling to sever ties… Master has always said that a true slave has no needs or wants aside from her master’s needs and wants which leaves me with feelings of guilt and failure as I cannot just be happy being his slave, regardless of how he treats me.

    Thanks again

  9. lost slave says:

    i was in a very similar situation unfortunately the relationship was abruptly ended when my Master shot me point blank in the back of my head/neck. His father came in the room and found me unconscious and called 911 so my Master is now in jail charged with attempted manslaughter and i am partially paralyzed and in rehab to learn how to live life.
    There were times towards the end when i had started to wonder if it was abuse, but then I remembered the contract i signed in the beginning that said i was to do whatever whenever he says without hesitation or complaint and so i believed that given that rule and the fact that i gave myself to him completely did not make it abuse or allow me to say no or complain about anything he said or did. He also told me that I was not allowed to leave or kill myself because he was the only one allowed to kill me or to end the relationship and then I would die a slow and painful death.
    The night he shot me i am not sure what i did
    To cause him to feel he needed to shoot me as we had been drinking, however it must have been pretty bad.

    i still struggle in my mind with wondering if i was abused or if i asked for it and y signing the contract and agreeing to be his slave granted him the right to do whatever he wished to me and that i was his forever.

  10. Created slave says:

    My ex used BDSM techniques on me without any consent from the beginning. She used erotic hypnosis to start, then teasing at night to program and condition me to a specific perfume, and it only got worse from there. We never had a discussion, there was never consent, she never told me what was happening. I now suffer from anxiety, panic and PTSD because this became abusive and yet she kept my mind blocked from what was really happening.

    I have no issue with consensual BDSM, but this shit? It’s wrong and don’t tell me a slave can just walk away. She put so many things in my head that when I did leave, I was lost, dependent, had nightmares for months. I am being treated using EMDR therapy to undo what she did.

    I never heard about TPE and internal enslavement before my therapy. Now I know what she was doing, it was abusive and I will never understand why. I’m still screwed up a year later from all that she did. And the disgusting programming included cuckolding. I couldn’t even taste what she was having me clean up, I was programmed to that level. Yet, my prostate would go crazy at the smell of that perfume and it was automatic response to clean.

    I’m angry. None of this was consensual, I feel like I have been raped, and I think you all need to know that this happens. She goes on with her life like nothing happened and I’m stuck with all the damage.

  11. nicole says:

    I was in a consensual slave relationship and my former master used torture to help program and condition….basically brainwash me to the point that he had me believing that my father sexually abused me when I was 5 years old and that my brother molested me when I was a teen and in my early twenties.

    My relationship and contract only ended when he shot me in the back of the neck. He is currently in jail awaiting trial as he stated he was not guilty at the arraignment. I too am starting EMDR to treat me for the PTSD and to try and undo the brainwashing. Right now I still here his voice frequently and it haunts me and causes a lot of self doubt of things in my new life.

    Do hope the EMDR helps you and that you are able to move forward with your life.

  12. khalilp says:

    it’s outrageous that this article is up on a site about abuse… think of the damage it will cause for victims looking for resources and help and please take it down. it is irresponsible and should be criminal for you to target your site to abuse survivors and have propose to people a definition of abuse that boils down to “whatever my abuser says goes”… it’s negligent and horrible for you people to have this up and I know not whether you are awful people or just morons. I pray it the latter.

  13. Sarah says:

    I have to agree with the others that, while the article makes some good points and interesting discussion fodder, perhaps this site is not the best forum for it.

    Resources for M/s abuse are amazingly scant. I’m in a situation that my Master has agreed with me is terrible, prolonged abuse on his part, and this article is the first damn thing I’ve found in the way of “help”. That’s kind of a shame.

  14. Jessica says:

    I have to agree with the comments that say this is an irresponsible article that condones abuse by saying that nothing is abuse in a Master/slave relationship (and, as said before, intent is not measurable, so really Nothing can qualify as abuse). Some comments have defended the article and explained that a slave can leave if they dislike the conditions. This article Never Said That! It is not at all implied. This must be stated clearly after claiming that a Master can permanently do literally anything to their slave.

    Even if the author had the asserted that slaves can leave if they are abused, do you know how difficult and dangerous it can be to leave an abusive relationship? A site about abuse really should. If a slave is being abused, they may not be able to leave. Perhaps the Master has cut her off from her friends and family–a common abuse tactic–and now she has nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Maybe the Master has threatened to kill her she leaves, another common abuse method (and many do actually die trying to leave their abuser). So she Googles and sees this article that explains that in fact, nothing her Master could possibly do can be defined as abuse, because she signed up for this. Well, rape and abuse victims have really had our share of being blamed for the cruel actions of others, and a site like this really must not add to it.

    Also, if you aim to show the world that BDSM is not inherently abusive, you have to have some actual standards for the people in power positions to prevent abuse from happening. I don’t need this wack philosophy lesson about how abuse cannot be defined. Stop thinking in the abstract and live in the real world–your actions affect others, and abuse can exist in any type of relationship. Being abusive after someone consents to being your property, in fact, is still abuse.

    Please remove this article.

  15. Lord Aeduard says:

    Wow… I was on a number of “message boards” with Master Eso, “back in the day” (the early days of the internet). These same things were said over and over, mostly about how harmful APE/TPE/IE (absolute/total power exchange aka absolute enslavement) is. The truth is, if the master/mistress is competent, it can be the most intense, fulfilling, and incredible experience in the world. If he/she isn’t, no slave should ever surrender to that person. It’s up to the slave, as it is to anyone in ANY relationship, to do their due diligence and make sure the person they’re hooking up with is not dangerous.

    @nicole, I’m sorry you hooked up with a psychopath, but that has nothing to do with TPE or BDSM. He would have been the same no matter what, even if the two of you were in what started as a vanilla relationship. A VERY good friend of mine from a number of years ago had a younger sister. She got married to someone who was abusive and unstable, despite her parents and friends warning her about him. He ended up stalking her and finally killing her then himself. To my knowledge, there was never a master/slave, or any BDSM, element in their relationship.

    @Created slave, I have to wonder why you ever submitted in the first place. Erotic hypnosis does not work unless YOU want it to. I know, as I’ve used hypnosis safely for many years. When hypnotized, if you’re told to do something you don’t want to do, you simply don’t do it. If it’s too extreme that you react strongly enough, you come out of the hypnotic state entirely. Then, you claim she used “teasing?” Seriously??? Truthfully, it sounds as if was voluntary at the time, but now look back and are ashamed of how deeply you got into it, so you blame your ex. Your problems come from the fact you enjoyed being that “perverted” (a totally subjective term) and can’t handle that now. You say you were lost and dependent when it ended. Now you’re torturing yourself, trying to “get better.” What would have happened, at the time, if you had simply found another mistress and continued in the lifestyle? You might be a lot happier and well adjusted than you are now.

    Yes, TPE can become abusive, but only if the slave surrenders to an abuser in the first place. ANYONE can get into a relationship with an abuser, whether they’re involved in the lifestyle or not. Always get to know the person(s) with whom you’re getting into ANY relationship. Make sure you know what makes them tick before going further with them. Don’t lay down in a bed next to someone who might kill you in your sleep. Don’t blame BDSM or TPE for problems which can exist with or without the lifestyle.

  16. Noone says:

    Is it a master’s right to threaten/kill a slave? Can a master stop a slave from leaving if the slave no longer feels that the relationship is safe or healthy?

  17. eboe says:

    To all of the abused slaves / submissives on here, I have nothing but sadness in my hearts for your situations. You were with truly sick individuals who were NOT masters, not dominants in any real definition of the word, and I specifically did not capitalize those words in this context.

    My slave and I have, in our contract, many failsafes set aside for ways to step out of the TPE to discuss things in an egalitarian manner, and we have both learned our way through the kink/power exchange scene in a very ethical manner, that I encourage everyone to use. We must remember that in any sort of power exchange relationship or partnership, from simple play partners on up to a marriage 24/7 TPE M/s situation, this is the hierarchy of it: Humans first, relationship second, roles 3rd. If you keep that ethical hierarchy in mind at all times, especially from the start, then any contract will have the correct safety measures.

    Do we fuck up? Sure. I’ve gotten angry and yelled at my slave. But the second I realize what I’m doing, I stop, and am ashamed of my behavior, and I APOLOGIZE. I take it back to the human, and relationship levels. Because, at the end of the day, an unhappy slave ALWAYS has the right to walk. If you ever get the indication that a potential Master states that you wouldn’t have that power, LEAVE THEN. They are not ethical, and it will not end well. If they try to stop you from leaving, it’s against the law. And your safety is paramount above anything else. At that point, it become self-defense if they attempt to stop you form leaving, and physically attack or threaten you. If your local scene has classes on kink subjects, look into them. Go to conferences. Look for references online about Kink and the law. You will find that a signed contract has never held up in any sort of court of law. You are, at the end of the day, a free person. If you are in danger, GO. Get help.

  18. Tomas says:

    Just like BDSM contracts aren’t legally binding, you can’t give away all your future consent like that. It violates basic human rights.

    Not only is it illegal, but refusing to let someone leave a TPE relationship, ignoring safe words, etc, are not harmless kinks, but serious signs of the same mental illness that “normal” rapists suffer from.

    I know a girl who was in a 24/7 TPE relationship.
    Her boyfriend ignored safe words, forced her to pierce various parts of her body (without even knowing what he was doing) and also took all her money every month so she couldn’t escape. He also gave her illegal drugs.

    When she said she wanted to get out, he refused to let her, because they had written a contract where she’d already given up her consent (which to this day, she fears will make her look bad in court).

    She finalle managed to escape but several years later, her mind is completely broken. She believes she hears his voice all the time and she’s constantly afraid that he will show up at her doorstep to kill her. (He’s threatened to kill both her, her family and her friends. I assume that TPE people have a word for this “kink” as well.)

    There’s not a day that goes by without her saying the phrase “I said RED!” completely out of nowhere (like when two people are talking about something ordinary like work and all of a sudden she interupts with that phrase).

    She also believes it was her fault because she once agreed to a 24/7 TPE relationship.

    Anyone who thinks she should “suit herself” because she agreed to that type of relationship is a rape apologist.

  19. Lynn says:

    You’ve really lost touch with reality my friend.

  20. Sir Paul says:

    There are abusers in the world.It is not surprising that an abuser would conceal itself in the BDSM world. Horror stories aside A real master is a compassionate person with a need to teach and learn. I am in a TPE relationship that has lasted 21 years. My slave is happy and healthy and I am still learning as we have entered a place in life (over 65 years old) where the dynamics are changing.
    We used to have “family nights” where we discussed our feelings on a level field to be sure we were both on the same page. That changed over time to just when one of us felt the need for clarification. We always talk and spend time after an “intense” play session to evaluate each part. My slave has just completed her third cancer surgery which is both scary and wonderful. There is a fear that she may not be able to recover completely and she is afraid that she may not be the slave I need. I love taking care of her and assure her that her fear is unfounded. We are both suffering with the ultimate conclusion of the life cycle but our trust and the love that has sprung from it keeps us strong.
    I promised to care for her a long time ago and to protect her from harm, yet I have to fight to keep her happy and healthy (mentally and emotionally) even until this ends.
    A TPE relationship is the most wonderful and deeply loving relationship that we could have experienced.

  21. Sir Paul says:

    A step back on my other post: I realized at a young age that I was a dominant personality – especially where girls were concerned. I was a “natural” leader and dedicated student.
    when I decided to join the BDSM society I was completely ignorant. I thought the best way to start was as a sub. (I laugh now because I was not the least bit submissive) I was told the woman I had partnered with was very strict and we had a few discussions about my demeanor. (HA!) She was, I think, perplexed because I never showed any affect of pain. She had no way to gauge how much pain I felt or when it was too much. I followed her orders but would often try to top her during sex. (that is very bad!) I was trying to learn what a sub would experience without being a submissive – it doesn’t work!
    We were in a punishment session after sex and she had me in a device that applied pressure to my arm. I didn’t react until it snapped. I was shocked, and I believe she was too, but there was not much pain so after she removed me from the “vise” and asked if I was OK I answered that I was fine. Three days later she took me to the doctor and the X-ray showed a broken bone. The doctor asked what happened and I told him I jumped out of a swing and landed on it. There was no outward sign that it was broken. No swelling or bruising. It had started to heal already so he had to re-break it to set it straight. It took him three tries but he got it back in place. The cast as put on and I was told to come back in six weeks to have the cast removed. My mistress and I talked about it and when I was completely honest with her about my true desires we separated. She paid for the doctors care and I learned a lot about how important honest communication was in a relationship.
    Between that first relationship and my current relationship I have had a few that lasted as long as my trust would allow and I learned how important trust was in any D/s relationship. If there are any doubts about trust then there is no relationship. Communication is also an important part of any D/s relationship. It helps teach and build the trust. With trust comes love and although I am a good master, I don’t believe I could be a good husband, at least in the normal role. I require complete submission. My current slave has given that but it all started with me telling her that I had a darker side that she should know about. We talked for months over email and telephone before we ever met. She had found my picture on an alternative dating sight but I never saw her or a picture of her until we met in person. Without knowing it she had already answered several pages of questions that she would later fill out and sign along with three powers of attorney. We have had 23 years of living together without a single disagreement or having to raise our voices even once. Now I hold her trembling figure as we talk about her cancer care. I will do my best to keep her happy as long as she wants to fight for our future.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *